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Fear of failure

I’m a chronic sufferer. I’ve never really been “the best” at anything and it’s probably because I’ve never tried hard enough. Although it’s frustrating never being best, it’s nice not knowing that I can’t be the best. Grammatically incorrect as it may be, it’s true. If I were to give a total effort, I might fail and be convinced I can’t succeed. Without a total effort, I don’t have success, but I can maintain the delusion that I could be successful if I really tried. Round and round I go, right into inactivity.

So, that’s probably why I haven’t jumped back into acting yet. It’s probably why I have a bunch of half-started writing projects collecting digital dust on my laptop. It’s probably why I haven’t consistently tried writing music for a couple years now. And I guess it could be frustrating feeling so stagnant…

…except I occasionally get a nice little reminder of what failure feels like. All it takes is a little taste and I’m reminded why it’s so terrifying.

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Unrequited love

It seems to me that unrequited love may be one of the most intense feelings there is. Although intangible, it seems to be a real force that should be respected and is best understood only through objectivity. Obviously, I know what I’m talking about. As a sometime reveler in more platonic relationships than real ones, I know that this phenomenon is at once liberating and confusing. On one hand, it allows us to act freely while explaining our behavior with conveniently elusive nonsense such as “You wouldn’t understand.” On the other hand, it drags us from our cozy little cocoons and out into the forest, where we’re vulnerable, naive and driven to stupidity.

But the best part of unrequited and platonic love is how ridiculously transparent it is to every human being except the one experiencing it. Of course I know I couldn’t be writing this right now if I was deeply involved in a platonic relationship, but I’m experiencing a between-crush moment of clarity. Unfortunately, it seems that the “between-crush” portions of my life seem to be blending into one long “non-crush” lifestyle. I often wonder if I’ve simply given up, or if maybe Cupid has seen his folly and abandoned me completely. More often, I wonder what sort of ludicrous odds must describe the chances I’ll find another crush, she’ll actually reciprocate, and I won’t prove to be either totally undesirable or absolutely insane.

This blog is turning into a real downer.

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Where am I?

I really have no idea. I guess the bigger question is, where am I going? I’m living in Plano, working as an engineer and hardly enjoying it. The paycheck is nice, but that’s one of the few perks. My ideal of me isn’t a guy who works a mediocre job just because it provides a nice paycheck, but isn’t that who I’m supposed to be? I feel unfulfilled, but I have a greater feeling of ungratefulness.

I’ve always felt like everything I do should have a purpose and I don’t feel that I have much purpose right now. And certainly, if my purpose is just to go to work and get paid every other Thursday, then I don’t want any part of that. It’s boring and seems like a waste of time in the grand scheme of things. I understand that money is important and all that, but I also know that working as an engineer who rarely uses his education is only one of many ways to earn it.

I think it’s time for a change, but I don’t know what kind or how drastic. I think I’m going to look into acting again, but the odds aren’t in my favor on that one. Tone is sometimes difficult to convey and I’m pretty sure the tone of this post is pretty whiney. But how I’m actually feeling is more uncertain and a little melancholy. Anyway, it’s time to start getting ready for bed, I have to be up early for work.

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Back in DAL to ring in the New Year…on my couch

I made it back without any trouble. I spent a little while playing poker (more on that below) and then made the short drive to Dallas. On the way, I used my super freaky psychic powers to predict the exact location of what may be the only Cracker Barrel between here and Shreveport. Before I started driving, I decided I was in the mood for some of their Chicken Fried Chicken and I wasn’t going to be stopped.

After driving 50 miles or so without seeing a Cracker Barrel, I said to myself, “You are stupid and you’re almost out of gas. Just stop at the next exit with a reasonable food selection and a gas station and give up on Cracker Barrel before you get stranded…” But then I saw a sign that told me it was only 36 miles to Tyler, TX and I said to myself, “Tough it out! If there’s a Cracker Barrel in Texas, it’s in Tyler, Texas! You have enough gas to go a measly 36 miles, wimp. If Kramer had the guts to see how far he could go after he hit empty, you can push it a few more miles to score some Chicken Fried Chicken.”

Sure enough, Tyler had a Cracker Barrel and several gas stations. One a side note, I got 450 miles on my last tank of gas, which means I got 25 mpg. That’s pretty stinkin’ good in my car. Maybe the hail damage has improved the aerodynamics or something. Golf balls have lots of dimples, just lot my car. What am I talking about?

Today’s poker recap

I played $1-2 No Limit for about three hours today. The lady from yesterday (with the reliable tells) was back, but everyone else was new. Here are the hands I remember:

Not long after we started, I got QQ on the button. There were 2 limpers and I raised it to $12. Both blinds called, everyone else folded. The flop came KTx, the lady bet out $10, BB called, I thought for a while and folded. I knew there was no way I was ahead here and I was right. The lady had flopped a set of tens and I think the other guy had a K. The turn was another ten, and the lady took down a big pot with quad tens. I gave myself a little pat on the back for making good reads and not getting married to the queens.

A bit later, I got K6s in the BB. Two people limped and I checked the option. Flop came down K67 rainbow. I bet out something like $8, everyone folded to the button who called and the SB called also. Turn was the 5 of hearts, putting two hearts on the board. SB checked, I bet $15, button folded, SB check-raised me all-in (for about $65 more). I thought for a while and mucked my two pair face-up. SB told me he had 34h for a turned ignorant end of the gutshot straight to the 7. My turn bet was a little small (assuming the 5h didn’t make someone a hand), but it was more of a feeler bet with “value” overtones. I’m still thinking about whether I could’ve played this any differently, but so far it looks like the answer is “no”.

A few orbits later, I got K9s in the BB (I didn’t catch cards for a while… this seems to be a theme for me lately. I don’t know if I’m running bad, just imagining things or playing too tightly.) with, as usual, 3 limpers. The flop came down QcJsTs, giving me a straight to the King, a King-high flush draw and a gutshot straight-flush draw. I bet the pot, UTG and Hijack called. The turn was a red Queen. I didn’t like this card, but I also needed to protect my hand in case someone had a bare Queen or maybe an Ace. I also felt that I needed to find out where I was at in the hand. I bet about half the pot. This was also a value bet since, assuming no one had filled up or flopped a higher straight, I was a big favorite to win the hand with my straight or a flush. Again, both players called. Now, I’m concerned. The river was a blank, non-spade. I checked, UTG bet a little more than half the pot, Hijack called (!!), I thought for a while and, again, mucked my K-high straight face-up. Both opponents turned up AKo for a flopped broadway and it turns out I was behind from the beginning. I was pretty surprised that neither player raised on the flop considering there were many cards that could come to either counterfeit their hands or flat-out lose them the pot.

About this time, my $100 buy-in has dwindled to $33. I’m UTG+1 and I have AJs. I raise it to $12 and everyone folds around to the BB who calls (this is my buddy who turned a gutshot to the 7 with 34 earlier). Flop comes three low cards, BB bet out $12 and I fold. He hadn’t bet out like that since he sat down and since he was playing trash most hands, I gave him credit for at least a pair.

Next orbit, I have QJo in MP1 and I limp (this was uncharacteristically loose for me, but I only had $21 left so I was looking to gamble it up, I guess). Several other players limp behind. There weren’t many pre-flop raises at this table, otherwise I probably wouldn’t have tried limping here. Flop came down JTx rainbow. It was checked to me and I got one caller who held J9s. My Queen kicker held up and won the pot of about $45.

Two hands later, I picked up AQs UTG. I raised it up to $12 and get 2 callers. Flop came AK9. It was checked to me, I moved in for my last $33 and it was folded around to the lady. She studied me for a while, so I did a little acting and mostly stared blankly at the table and occasionally looked up and away from her stare. By now, I knew she probably had Ax (she probably limped into 75% or more of the pots at this table) and I definitely wanted a call. She mumbled a call and said, “Do you have Ace-King?” This pretty much sums up the action at this table. It seemed like it never occurred to her that I might have AQ, AJ, AT or A9, which would all beat her A8o. She had called 6BB cold in middle position with A8x, and then called an all-in from an early position pre-flop raiser (I was also known to be tight as one of our dealers and another player had been joking about that earlier). Anyway, the turn was a K, leaving her drawing to an Ace or King for a split and my Queen kicker held up to win a $115 pot.

I left not too long after that because I’d been playing for three hours and it was time to get back to DAL. To sum up, I was down to $21 thanks to some bad beats and a tough beat, but then more-than-doubled-up twice in three hands to go up for the session.

I write too much about live poker sessions. I need to get a life or a muzzle… for typing.

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Hail is bad

I guess this is basically common knowledge, but after driving through a couple hail storms today, I’ve decided I don’t like hail. Upon further review, my car isn’t a fan either. First, I was driving a little south of Macon, GA when a little hail storm broke out. I figured the best thing was to get out of the way, so I took the next exit and sat under a gas station overhang for a bit. When the coast was clear, I hit the road again.

I drove about 20 miles before I got to the end of the Macon bypass. Then, the sky opened up and spat freakin’ ice rocks all over my car. I thought maybe I should stop under the overpass, but there was no room in the inn. I pulled past the overpass and off onto the shoulder, but it seemed kinda’ silly to just sit there and take that kind of abuse, so I slowly continued moving north. A couple minutes later and the sky cleared and it was smooth sailing to Atlanta.

Turns out I was supposed to just stop on the side of the road and ride out the hail storm. I kinda’ figured there wasn’t much difference between sitting there and moving two or three miles per hour up the highway. Maybe that was stupid, but I’m pretty sure I got outta’ that hail storm a lot faster than those dudes parked on the shoulder. I am dumb.

Anyway, I didn’t inspect my car until I got to Atlanta, and I wasn’t as disappointed as I thought I’d be. Looks like there are only about 10 dings on and most of them are on the hood. My guess is that the hood is made of a different metal than the rest of the car; I can’t think of any reason that there are hardly any dings on the drunk or sides. In fact, the hail seemed to be coming from behind me, so I would expect most of the damage to be to the rear of the car. I guess this is further evidence that I am dumb.

So, I get to look forward to filing an insurance claim and giving my car up to the dealer indefinitely while they fix it. Super.

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Florida Basketball up to 11-0 for the best start in school history

That’s a pretty big deal. First, Corey Brewer gets the first triple-double in school history. Now, the team has set the record for best start. That’s pretty great, especially considering that two of those 11 wins were against Wake and ‘cuse on back-to-back nights. It’s awesome that the Gators are a real contender this year instead of a team that’s “rebuilding”.

Having fun in Florida

I’m in Jacksonville and things are going well so far. I spent the day doing my Christmas shopping and meeting various people for meals and such. I’m here in Jacksonville for several days this Christmas, so I think I’ll be seeing a lot of my friends and family.

My space on MySpace isn’t my space

I’ve set up a phantom account on MySpace so I can spy on people. Another friend put me up to it and I’m weak, so I went along with her plan. I’ve mostly been checking in on people who went to my high school. I have also been checking out profiles for friends of friends of friends because I need to know “what’s wrong with him?” or “is that so and so?” (it’s usually not).

So far, I’m pretty underwhelmed by MySpace, but that’s probably because I’m stupid and I just don’t get it. Maybe I’ll come around eventually.

This is probably the lamest blog ever

If there’s a lame blog award, I want it. I’ve earned it and it’s rightfully mine. Don’t try to keep it from me or give it to some other not-quite-as-lame blog.

Speaking of lame, Blogger seriously needs to work on their spellchecker

I just spellchecked that last blog entry and Blogger’s spellchecker flagged the word “blog”. I like Blogger and I think they provide a good service, but I think maybe it’s time to upgrade the spellchecker. Also, it flagged the word “underwhelmed” and suggested “underwhelming”; I guess Blogger has preferred tenses for certain verbs or something. It also doesn’t like the word “spellchecker”. I’ll concede that I may have made that one up, although Dictionary.com says it’s legit.

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Flu shot

It’s 10:15 and I just got a flu shot about 2 minutes ago. Last time I got a flu shot, back in 2002, I got sick a couple days later. I figure this time I’ll write everything down so that if I get sick from this one too, then maybe I’ll just pass on the shots in the future. I rarely get sick, so if I feel like I’m assuming a reasonable risk of getting sick by taking the flu shot, I might just leave it alone in the future.

Unfortunately, I’m traveling in 2 days, so if I do get a little sick, I’ll have to endure it on the road.

No, I’m not paranoid. No, I don’t think flu shots are a bad idea. Yes, I know it’s very rare that a flu shot can cause the flu and that it usually only happens in people who are already sick.

Update 1

It’s been about 24 hours since the flu shot and I feel fine. Hopefully I’m in the clear and I don’t have to worry about catching the flu this year.

Update 2

I think I’m in the clear. It’s been over two days and no signs of any sickness. I’m pretty worn out today, so I’d be feeling it if I was getting sick. No more updates unless I start feeling poorly in the next few days.

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More traveling for the holidays

Well, I’ve been back in Dallas for almost nine days now and it’s almost time to hit the road again. On Wednesday, a good friend will be flying in from Atlanta to accompany me on my drive back east. The plan is that we’ll leave on Thursday afternoon and head to Atlanta via Shreveport, Louisiana. What’s there? Casinos! That’s what’s there! We’re gonna’ crash in Shreveport for a couple days and do some gambling. I’ll spend most of my time playing poker (which, in my opinion, isn’t gambling in the traditional sense) and maybe some blackjack (which most certainly is gambling in the traditional sense). I plan to play some $4/8 or $5/10 Limit Hold ’em. Hopefully, I’ll make a big pile of cash that I can use to finance my Christmas traveling.

After Shreveport, we’re heading to Atlanta where my buddy has a show at 6 o’clock on Saturday evening. Then I’ll hang in ATL until around December 22, at which time I’ll head to Florida. I might try to catch a basketball game before Christmas (the Gators are currently 9-0 and I’d love to go seem them extend their win streak and maybe set the record for best start in our basketball program’s history). Then, of course, I’ll spend Christmas with my family in Jacksonville.

A day or so after Christmas, I’ll leave Florida and head back to ATL to finish out my Christmas vacation. After bumming around ATL for a few days, I’ll start heading back west to Dallas via Shreveport (if all goes well during our first visit).

So, those are my plans for the break. I’m pretty sure my Christmas vacation is just as long as the kids at UF this semester, so I feel almost like a college kid planning a road trip between semesters.

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It’s still great to be a Florida Gator…

But it’s a bummer losing like that. I’m still not sure what happened but, if I had to guess, I’d probably use the words “meltdown” and “unprepared”. Our defense stunk up the stadium and our offense was a one-trick pony with little resembling anything “spread” or “option”. ‘Bama played well, but they beat a team that was only a shell of the team I’ve seen the past few weeks. I don’t know where the Gators were on Saturday, but they weren’t in Tuscaloosa.

Hopefully we’ll play well and run Meyer’s offense this weekend against Mississippi State. I hope we’re able to get a win and gain some confidence in our schemes so that we’re prepared when we go to LSU in a couple weeks. I think the most important thing to remember right now is that we’re still in control of the SEC East. We do have a loss, but it was to West team, so it did the least amount of damage possible. If we get back on track and run the table in the East, we’ll go to the SEC Championship game and hopefully get a rematch against the tide.

Anti-Gator fans?

Since our loss to Alabama, I’ve had a few people–none of whom are Alabama students, fans or alumni–say to me or e-mail me a big “Rolll Tiiiide!!” I don’t get it. I don’t understand why people dislike Florida so much. My only guess is that Spurrier was so dominant and cocky that people just decided to hate the Gators. One of the people who said that to me is an Auburn grad. When they lost to GaTech earlier this year, I didn’t say a word to him. When they got snubbed out of the National Title game last year, I told him I thought that was stupid and the BCS was flawed. The only jawing I’ve ever done is to say, “We’ll see you in the SEC Championship.” That’s it. But when we lose to a tough football team, this guy starts giving me lip. Seriously?

Another person, an FSU fan, e-mailed me with nothing but “Rooolll Tiiiide!” I guess she may’ve been irked because, after she tried to tell me how we’re going to lose this year and UGA has our number, I called Doak “Ron Zook Field”. I never e-mailed her last year (or any of multiple opportunities) to say “Go ‘Canes!!!!” or “Go Terps!!” I didn’t e-mail her to talk smack after we beat FSU on their field last year. But we get a road loss to a Top 15 team that she doesn’t even root for and I immediately get an e-mail? Seriously? Nevermind that an astute FSU fan would realize that Florida’s record come November 26 could have a huge impact on FSU’s potential to play for the National Title, and a Florida loss doesn’t help their cause.

After UGA beat us last year, I was at Radio Shack buying some batteries or something. Some random dude saw my hat and came up to say, “You a Gator fan? Man, them Bulldogs beat y’all today, huh?” He was obviously trying to get a rise out of me and also obviously not a Georgia fan. I said, “Well, we have to give them one every 15 years or so. We figured this’d be a good year to do it since we don’t have a coach and all.” He just kinda’ sheepishly put his head down and walked away. I guess he hadn’t really thought his chiding through. But why say anything to begin with? I’m surrounded by Sooners fans. I haven’t said a word to any of them about their season so far. I work with several Aggies. I haven’t made a peep. It’s one thing to root for a football team, but it’s another thing entirely to root against a team just to spite its fans.

Yes, I know what a rivalry is. No, I don’t like FSU or Tennessee. But, no, I wouldn’t e-mail anyone from those schools if their team lost a football game to some team I don’t even root for. That just seems silly and sort of mean-spirited.

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Two-week update

It’s been quite a while since I wrote anything here. Why? I’m lazy.

Ok, so what’ve I been up to? Well, I’ve had two basketball games since my last post and I’m finally starting to play pretty well. Last week, I had 12 points on 4-of-6 3-point shooting. This week, I had 10 points–2 3-pointers, an 18-foot jumper and a couple freethrows. Those are decent point totals since this league plays a 36 minute game with a running clock and a 2-minute half time. Our team is averaging somewhere in the low 30s per game. We lost both games, but against decent teams and both games were pretty close. Last week, we just couldn’t hit our freethrows and this week, we basically didn’t have an answer for their big man.

Poker

Well, I have played for about a year online and have seen moderate winnings. Mostly, I’d been playing to get experience and learn more about the game. Recently, I decided to try and grind out some actual steady money, so I started playing Limit Hold ’em cash games. I started at Micro Limits–$.5/$1, 4-tabling–and am gradually moving up. My win-rate was just over 4BB/100 hands for almost 6,000 hands. I just moved up to $1/$2 Limit and I’m up, but I’ve only played a couple hundred hands. Anyway, I’ll play $1/$2 until I’ve won about 300BB, then I’ll jump to $2/$4. Slow and steady.

Reading

Since I returned from Europe, I’ve been reading a lot. Mostly, I’ve been reading books on poker, but I’ve also read some good fiction. Right now, I’m reading David Sedaris’ Me Talk Pretty One Day. Sedaris is just a great author with a unique perspective and writing style. It’s just fun to read his stuff. Next, I think I’ll move on to John Irving’s latest book, but first it has to come out in paperback.

Work’s been rough

That about says it all. When I returned from Europe, I assumed the responsibilities that had previously been two peoples’ jobs. Actually, it seems I’ve taken on even more responsibility than that. Anyway, I’ve been ultra-busy and it’s been keeping me from pursuing acting like I want to. I know I should continue pursuing acting, but my schedule at work is very demanding and volatile and I don’t want to over commit myself. Hopefully, things will calm down by the end of the year and I can get back on the bus.

Headin’ home for football

I will be going to Florida to see the UT vs. UF football game next month. Really, I’ll be hoping to see the game since I don’t have a ticket. Basically, I plan to fly into Orlando, rent a car, drive to G-ville and start hunting for a ticket. I’ll be getting to G-ville on Thursday afternoon, so that’ll give me almost two full days to find a ticket.

I really should find something more interesting to write about.