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Fear of failure

I’m a chronic sufferer. I’ve never really been “the best” at anything and it’s probably because I’ve never tried hard enough. Although it’s frustrating never being best, it’s nice not knowing that I can’t be the best. Grammatically incorrect as it may be, it’s true. If I were to give a total effort, I might fail and be convinced I can’t succeed. Without a total effort, I don’t have success, but I can maintain the delusion that I could be successful if I really tried. Round and round I go, right into inactivity.

So, that’s probably why I haven’t jumped back into acting yet. It’s probably why I have a bunch of half-started writing projects collecting digital dust on my laptop. It’s probably why I haven’t consistently tried writing music for a couple years now. And I guess it could be frustrating feeling so stagnant…

…except I occasionally get a nice little reminder of what failure feels like. All it takes is a little taste and I’m reminded why it’s so terrifying.

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Basketball game is picking up

Last Wednesday, we had our second game of the season. I played better, but our team played better also. We beat a pretty solid team and we did it with good play from everybody. We were a lot more aggressive, confident and accurate and it showed as the game wore on. Personally, I had a better game with two fastbreak layups and a 3-pointer. Next week, we have a game that we should easily win, but we’ll see.

I also played today after work and I had a pretty good day. I’m still getting pretty winded sometimes, but I’m hoping it’s just that I’m out of shape. I’m a tiny bit concerned that I may have some kind of asthma or something, but I’m going to give it more time. Today, I did most of my work from inside, making nice passes and playing very aggressively near the hoop. I also got some tough boards and had some nice defensive plays.

Unfortunately, I picked up a nice little injury, too. A big (very big) guy on the other team was dribbling about 15 feet from the hoop. I snuck up on him and when he spun towards me, I stole the ball. I tapped the ball towards my basket and took off after it. But as I stepped by him, he cut me off with his leg. His knee went directly into my thigh and gave me a pretty nasty charlie-horse. I can barely straighten my leg, and standing up and walking are both very painful. I’m a little concerned that I may not be able to play on Wednesday, but I’ll have to wait and see.

It’s good to be playing again and I’m pretty excited about my team in the league this year. We’re pretty good and it’s really fun to play with these guys.

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$50 poker tourney

I played in a $50 poker tournament tonight. There weren’t many memorable hands, but the one that busted me was very memorable. No, it wasn’t a bad beat. I simply donked off my last chips. Here’s what happened:

There are 13 players left of 40 entrants. We’re 7-handed and I’m in the cutoff (CO). Blinds are 500/1000 with a 100 ante. I have right at 7000 chips. The table is playing pretty tight. Both the button and the Small Blind (SB) have been playing very tight. The Big Blind (BB) is one of the chip leaders, but I think it’s mostly because he’d been catching cards (the players at the table were talking about that). My table image is pretty tight.

I’m going to raise to 2500 with a decent Ace, any pair, any two big cards, any two suited connectors from 87s on up. Everyone folds to me and I look down at A2s (two spades) and make my raise to 2500. Everyone folds to the BB who looks at me, counts my chips, then calls. Pot is now 6200.

The flop is J85 with two spades. The BB bets out 2000. I have 4500 left, I figure the best he can have is a Jack, which leaves me with 9 outs to the flush and 3 outs for an Ace (assuming he doesn’t have AJ, in which case I assume he would’ve moved in on me before the flop). 12 outs means I’m about 48% to catch a winner by the river. Right now, there’s 8200 in the pot, so I’m definitely getting odds to call here getting 4.1:1 on my money. Of course, calling will leave me with a measly 2500 chips and I’d be pot committed. I decide to raise all-in, which means I’m betting 4500 to win 8800 plus his call of 2500 more. I’m betting 4500 to win 11300, which is almost 3:1 (assuming he calls). He calls.

He turns over 89o (9 of spades), which means I’m actually 42.5% to win because he has one of my outs. I flip over my A2… And realize I’m not suited after all. I actually had the Ace of spades and the 2 of clubs. I was actually 16.9% to win and his hand held up. I’m not entirely sure why he called with 9-high getting no implied odds, but like I said, he was catching cards.

So, I totally misplayed the hand and busted out after playing 4.5 hours of very solid poker. Here are the mistakes I made on the hand:

If I’m going to play A2s in this spot, I need to raise all-in pre-flop.
I misread my hand (I’ve never done that before)*

*I think I misread my hand in part because we were using cards with the “jumbo” index. I should’ve made sure to get a good look at the suit on both cards before I played. That’s no excuse, but it’s a lesson learned.

So, I was stupid and I busted 13th. Other than that, made a nice bluff early by playing position. It was a small pot, but I had Jack high and won the pot. I made a good laydown with AK in the SB early when UTG+1 open-raised 2x BB, the button re-raised to 24x BB; button later told me he had KK. I won a race (AK vs. 44). Made a nice button steal when 3 people limped and I raised to 5x BB with KTo. I had AA and KK, both in early position and neither got any action when I put in small raises. My best hand all night was a pair of Aces (that includes any hand where I saw the flop, turn and/or river).

I played well until that last hand. I should not have busted with A2o. My live tourney performance has been terrible lately. I’m definitely starting to doubt myself.

Afterthought: It’s been two days since the tournament. I was thinking about this hand again today at lunch and I realize why it was such a big mistake to raise to only 2500 rather than moving all-in (for about 7000) before the flop: My raise to 2500 made the pot 4700 (1500 blinds, 700 antes, 2500 for my bet) and the BB only had to call 1500. That means he was getting over 3:1 odds on his call and he was one of the chipleaders at that point in the tournament. 1500 chips was nothing relative to his stack, and calling with 89o wasn’t a mistake according to Sklansky’s Fundamental Theorem of Poker.

Against any other player at the table, I think my 2500 raise would’ve been the proper play. Everyone else was playing tight, solid poker and not gambling it up. My raise would’ve been about the standard raise at the table and most players had been respecting that raise amount unless they really had a hand. I was prepared to let the hand go for a big re-raise (the pot would’ve been 8700 and I would’ve had to call 4500, so I would’ve been getting less than 2:1 facing a re-raise from a hand which would certainly have my hand dominated) and to re-evaluate the hand after the flop if I got called.

I didn’t take enough into account before I made my play. I should’ve seen who was in the BB and adjusted my play accordingly.

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Another basketball league season begins

Well, the winter league has begun and our team started off with a win this year. But really, when I say “our team”, I’m referring to one dude who scored 30 of our 40 points. I’m pretty sure dude played ball at Texas A&M and he still plays a few days a week around Dallas.

The rest of our team was pretty mediocre on offense. I think we played very solid defense, holding the other team to only 27 points. I think our defense will be the thing that carries us for the first few games and I’m glad we have it to fall back on. I think our team is solid, we just need to get in shape. We’re going to be pretty good.

I personally have a lot of work to do. I didn’t score tonight and I had a few wide open shots. I did have a couple steals and I picked up some ticky-tack (read: bogus) fouls. I had 4 with about 9 minutes left. I really felt the refs just had my number, but I made a couple silly plays too. But I typically start seasons off slow and pick it up after a couple games. I hope that holds this year.

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Unrequited love

It seems to me that unrequited love may be one of the most intense feelings there is. Although intangible, it seems to be a real force that should be respected and is best understood only through objectivity. Obviously, I know what I’m talking about. As a sometime reveler in more platonic relationships than real ones, I know that this phenomenon is at once liberating and confusing. On one hand, it allows us to act freely while explaining our behavior with conveniently elusive nonsense such as “You wouldn’t understand.” On the other hand, it drags us from our cozy little cocoons and out into the forest, where we’re vulnerable, naive and driven to stupidity.

But the best part of unrequited and platonic love is how ridiculously transparent it is to every human being except the one experiencing it. Of course I know I couldn’t be writing this right now if I was deeply involved in a platonic relationship, but I’m experiencing a between-crush moment of clarity. Unfortunately, it seems that the “between-crush” portions of my life seem to be blending into one long “non-crush” lifestyle. I often wonder if I’ve simply given up, or if maybe Cupid has seen his folly and abandoned me completely. More often, I wonder what sort of ludicrous odds must describe the chances I’ll find another crush, she’ll actually reciprocate, and I won’t prove to be either totally undesirable or absolutely insane.

This blog is turning into a real downer.

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Where am I?

I really have no idea. I guess the bigger question is, where am I going? I’m living in Plano, working as an engineer and hardly enjoying it. The paycheck is nice, but that’s one of the few perks. My ideal of me isn’t a guy who works a mediocre job just because it provides a nice paycheck, but isn’t that who I’m supposed to be? I feel unfulfilled, but I have a greater feeling of ungratefulness.

I’ve always felt like everything I do should have a purpose and I don’t feel that I have much purpose right now. And certainly, if my purpose is just to go to work and get paid every other Thursday, then I don’t want any part of that. It’s boring and seems like a waste of time in the grand scheme of things. I understand that money is important and all that, but I also know that working as an engineer who rarely uses his education is only one of many ways to earn it.

I think it’s time for a change, but I don’t know what kind or how drastic. I think I’m going to look into acting again, but the odds aren’t in my favor on that one. Tone is sometimes difficult to convey and I’m pretty sure the tone of this post is pretty whiney. But how I’m actually feeling is more uncertain and a little melancholy. Anyway, it’s time to start getting ready for bed, I have to be up early for work.

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Texas is good

I figured they were a decent team, but I was blown away by their performance tonight. There’s no doubt that Vince Young is one of the best quarterbacks in the game and he answered all questions about his passing ability tonight.

This year’s Rose Bowl was definitely one of the best football games I’ve seen in a long time.